Thursday, June 5, 2008

I Stole This Meme

I stole this meme from TheDeppEffect; in fact, I am even going to use her description of it, which was "interlude music:" I find it very apt given my current frame of mind. My Peace Post yesterday kind of took it out of me, and there have been some internal transitions going on as well, so this? This is about perfect. And if it works for you, feel free to use it as well. Since I stole it, it sure is easy to give away!

My Ex.... mother-in-law is crazy. Not in the sense of "I never liked her because she was interfering" type crazy but, you know, certifiable. Her son and I have been divorced nearly 15 years, and in that time period, I think she has had her phone number changed at least that many times, if not more. Because if she gets more than a couple of wrong numbers or hangups within a few weeks, she is sure someone is stalking her. Ditto with the same car passing by her house more than once. If it is one she doesn't recognize, she calls the police. She also has a very odd list of things that the kids are not allowed to eat or drink: red Koolaid has always been out (RED DYE), but red jello and all the diet soda they can drink are IN. Sunscreen gives you cancer so the kids are only allowed out in the pool when the sun is down.

Maybe I Should.... stop worrying so goddamned much about what I SHOULD be doing, and just doing what is good and healthy for me.

People Would Say... that I need some serious mental help. But they are MY delusions, and I am enjoying them very, very much. When they stop being entertaining and fun? THEN it is time to get help. Or if I, you know, suddenly drop everything and sell all of my household furnishings in order to get a tattoo and fly to the next state over, I might have stepped over the line from harmless sexual fantasy to, you know, certifiable. Like my ex-mother in law.

I Don't Understand.... why people call their spouse/partner/whatever "Baby Daddy" or "Baby Mama." it just doesn't make any sense to me, because it seems I really like a couple of people who use that expression, so this isn't about some deep-seated personal resentment or anything like that. I just don't get it.

When I Wake Up In the Morning.... I immediately put my glasses on. Because I can't see much without them, and when I can't SEE, I can neither hear nor think.

I wallet one time when I was in high school. Set it on a counter in a gas station, and by time I walked out to the car and noticed it-we are talking about a matter of minutes here-and went back in, it was gone. I thought my step-dad was going to have a heart attack or stroke because he was SO ANGRY with me; in fact, I recall thinking that if he did, in fact, than it would be money well lost. No dice.

Life is full of.... enough ups and downs to rival a roller coaster, complete with heart stopping views of the world from the top, and plummeting, stomach shaking dives downward. All in all, quite the ride.

My Past Is.... checkered at best, but perhaps better left unspoken.

I Get Annoyed When... people in charge of putting up signs outside stores can't spell. I have posted this one before, but my all-time favorite fuck-up is "Two pinds of brokli." Please. I actually won't frequent a store whose sign is miss-spelled, it bothers me that much.

Parties Are... like a slow, painful death for me. I am way too shy and self conscious and I always end up doing something really stupid like stumbling up the stairs (sober, even!) or spilling food on my shirt.

I Wish.... that I didn't feel like I had to take responsibility for everyone else. I would like to be nurtured every once in awhile, thank you very much. I also wish my niece wasn't mad at me for telling her that I wouldn't tell someone to stop calling her husband a jackass. Honey, it just isn't that big a deal!

Dogs... make big piles of shit in my yard (which is why I have the kids mow, actually), eat way too much food, and make me smile. A lot.

Cats... I really like them, but I can't eat a whole one by myself (stole that line of a t-shirt but it makes me laugh every time I say or think it).

Tomorrow.... I hope that my $50 Boomertowne Visa gets here, because since it is "found" money (as in, not budgeted in for something), I would really, really like to go get a new bra. Or two. TMI, I am sure, but the only bras I have that even come close to fitting are my old nursing bras, which haven't been in use for over a year (at least not for their intended purpose, as Owen quit nursing at 15 months). And frankly, they aren't all that sexy. Not that anyone is seeing them, but STILL.

I Have a Low Tolerance for.... ignorance. And long lines at the grocery store. I always think that if people knew how important I really am, they would just move aside and let me through. Hasn't happened yet. Also, for people who don't bathe. Please; I will buy you a bar of soap and some deodorant; they are cheap at the dollar store.

If I Had a Million Dollars... I would just sit down and cry.

I'm Totally Terrified.... of my ex-husband trying to take Sam. Or of even seeing him. I am terrified that I am really, really screwing up my kids. Terrified of getting seriously ill and having no insurance. Of...too many things to list.

*****OMG. I JUST learned about a kind of party that I think I would like. If I wasn't too embarrassed to walk in the door, anyway. She described it as being sort of like a Tupperware party, only with, you know, adult toys. I am wondering a couple of things, though: 1. Can you, um, return the merchandise if it doesn't live up to your expectations? 2. Are there trial items, like Bath and Body Works has? 3. Would it be possible to hand out masks outside the door so those so inclined could me incognito?****


April said...

Yep, it was me who told her about Passion Parties :) Kori, I can't believe you're surprised at this one! It's not nearly as bad as you think. And why would you need a disguise? Everyone else is buying the same sort of things!!

Anonymous said...

OMG! Passion Parties are the bomb! Especially if the person introducing the toys and other fun stuff knows how to work it. Ours was a former Special Ed Teacher, and she made these huge exaggerated motions that were the dirtiest thing I have ever seen without being a blatant come on. I laughed so hard I cried, and it was the only time I have ever seen my b/f turn purple. Seen him blush, but not to the point that I wanted to check and see what else was that color ;) The 2 parties I went to were the absolute most fun I've ever had at any party, bar none.

Anonymous said...

Interesting insights, Kori!

I call SD my "baby's daddy" on occassion. Why? Because I think it's sort of funny. I was never married, and well, he *is* my baby's daddy. It also just puts it out there in a funny way before anyone can slip up and say something about single moms or people getting pregnant w/out being married before they realize I'm *both* of those. Well, I do it if I like the person and think they mean no harm by their assinine comments. If they are jerks, I let them say it, then I embarass the crap out of them by saying something like "Well, techincally, *my* son is a bastard. Or illegitimate." Or whatever else to make them feel like real asses.

And we call them "pure romance" parties here. I have never been to one. I know lots of people who have, though!

Petite G. said...

Kori - I just love you and all your rants. I'm glad we've met and I hope one day I get the pleasure of meeting, if not just to be able to drive by the ex-MIL's house a few times in a strange car while calling and hanging up. Yeah, I'm nice like that.

Hilarious Avitar and I love the comment about digging a hole being similar to work. Not happening. :)

Did I mention I like you?

Anonymous said...

"When I Wake Up In the Morning.... I immediately put my glasses on. Because I can't see much without them, and when I can't SEE, I can neither hear nor think".

Ha, I KNOW that feeling! I think what happens is the brain diverts all power to try to make the seeing thing happen, and the other senses suffer as a result!

Good job on the meme, Kori! Well pirated! And thanks for the 'hat-tip' ;)

Passion parties.. no-one's ever invited me to one, I'm sorry to say. Maybe they think I'd be just too rowdy. LOL!

FreedomFirst said...

Whoa! I think I'll stick with Longaberger. Baskets and pottery are so much closer to my forte.

I love how many little quirks we have in common. I also get very annoyed when signs are misspelled. Or advertisements. And equally so if they use bad grammar. It doesn't bother me if someone can't spell or write well in private; we all have our un-skills. But for heaven's sake, if you can't do it right, leave it to someone who can!!

And the long lines; ugh! I wouldn't care if there was someone manning every register and the lines were STILL there. But why are there only 4 out of 12 checkouts open when you have 3 people in each line? Meanwhile other employees wander aimlessly about dragging out their particular "job description" to make sure the manager can't send them up front. I have yet to enter a mainstream grocery store EVEN AT THE HOLIDAYS and see more than 6 checkouts open. Why do they need a dozen then? They never use them!

I'm sorry I made trouble for you with relatives. If it makes your niece feel better, I'll apologize; as long as she knows I'm only doing so to make her feel better. I'm sorry I hurt her feelings. I can't change my honest opinions though. I did promise not to say it again.

Anonymous said...

To answer your questions:

1. No
2. There are often sample items but you can't actually put them to their intended use. But it's helpful to get a sense of their size, etc.
3. You need no mask. Stand up and say "That's right. I'm taking care of my needs!"

Tara R. said...

I may have to steal this one from you too. I like your answers... I would do the same thing if I had a million dollars.

Martin said...

Interesting stuff to read, different from the normal meme fodder.

janey jay said...

I'm stealing the meme. It's a good one (and you. Rock. Seriously.)

Plus Passion Parties -- hmmmm. I may need to crash one of these events. Oh yeah.

Anonymous said...

Sex toy parties have been popular around here for a very long time - Ed's exes sister (who talked me into going out with him LOL, apparently Ed's ex isn't very well liked by many people including her family) does them full time now. I prefer ordering online, less blushing that way. :)